The One Where I Admit What I've Been Hiding From

After hiding for the past two months, I’ve decided I should probably do my lovely followers a favour and let you know what’s going on with me.

Seven weeks ago I broke off my relationship for good. After almost eight years, and over twelve months of doing my best to keep the relationship going, I admitted defeat. That’s about all you’ll get from me on that topic but since then, I’ve been struggling with pretty much everything. My anxiety got much worse so I took myself off to the doctor and got something to help with that. It helps but it doesn’t take it away. I started eating much more than is needed for an average woman to try and comfort my emotions. University and being a mum have become the two things I can do – just about – and if I manage to walk the dog too, that’s a bonus.

I have ran once in seven weeks and it was at least two weeks ago if not more. Its with regret that I have to admit to you all – and to myself more than anything – that the marathon is off. Not forever, but at least for this year. I can’t physically train for a marathon with the way my life is right now. Getting myself up out of bed is an achievement at the moment. Some days, if I’m not at university, I will get up, eat breakfast, take my daughter to school and then come home, close the curtains and not leave the house all day.

I am getting better. Its getting easier. I can cope with more responsibilities at once but still not everything. I try each day as it comes and some are more successful than others. Friday was a terrible day but Saturday was great.

The one aspect of my life that needs sorting out pretty quickly is the eating. I’ve always been an emotional eater and it has gotten way out of control. I feel like I’m having a competition with myself to see just how much I can eat in one sitting each night. I think I might set up a system similar to the one I had when I stopped smoking – every day I don’t eat my feelings, I stick £1 into a jar. I’ll have a think about what I would like to buy within however many weeks so I have a goal to work towards. I think keeping a food diary may help too.

I was going to close this blog down and just pretend this all ‘Marathon at 26′ dream never happened but life gets in the way sometimes. Things happen and sometimes you can work through them and others you can’t. I’m going to defer my place and try again next year by which point I may have a treadmill which will definitely help me when it comes to my childcare issues during midweek runs. Rather than being a specific running blog, this may turn into something more along the lines of helping me get through my problems with food, body image and confidence but they are things I have been avoiding for many years. They are always the reason I quit running. They are always the reason I throw in the towel very quickly and come up with other excuses as to why ‘I can’t’.

I miss being part of the runner community and I hope to rejoin it again in the not so distant future. Running is a very daunting thought at the moment and I hope it becomes more of a ‘need’ very soon.

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